Who is me?
A journal entry from Feburary
I finished my journal yesterday. I had no idea, nine months ago, the ride I was in for. I read it back on a flight on Wednesday, folding pages between tears. Insights gleaned and forgotten in cycles - and a very clear route to where I am Right Now.
Things are shifting beneath my feet. In meditation a couple of weeks ago I imagined myself walking along a tightrope from summer to autumn, head in the clouds as I managed not to fall. By the time winter arrived I had completely lost focus. It felt like an omen at first. Negative thoughts: “I always lose focus”.
Actually, I am stepping into the unknown. This time at least I’m armed with some false sense that I am doing so consciously. But we are always stepping into the unknown.
Here’s a journal entry from February.
01/02/2026
It’s February. I’m very tired. I just spent a week back home in St Helens and Manchester. Everything gets muddled when I spend time at home. My memories all blend together. I can’t remember who knows who, and who doesn’t. I forget who I am, too.
I felt like I was discovering myself again with Anaïs last night. Maybe the boundary between my then identity and my now identity is beginning to dissolve. Maybe I am performing less. Or more. Who am I?
In the club, I grasped a moment of clarity…It is vaguely familiar, this particular style of disappointment. Always waiting for someone to let me down. When I was younger I got confirmation that I couldn’t trust people to show up for me. That’s why I’m always waiting, waiting to get let down. That’s why I set up little tests: if they don’t pass, they don’t care, and I must protect myself by pulling away.
But that is not me. That is not me. None of it is me – but that, certainly, is not me. I know it now. I do not know what there is to do about it. I don’t know how to apply this knowledge. But I do know that it is not me. So who is me?
I am not afraid or worried or excited. I am inside a bubble, so delicate, one wrong move, one flicker of Not-Now and it pops. I am inside the Now. I am, and it’s the only place I want to be and how that looks I don’t mind.
See, my mind did it again: “But what about your future? How will you plan?”
I want to flow.
Recommendations
My friend Mary is hosting regular intuitive collage workshops in south London. Her next one is Wednesday in Peckham. Check them out.
Next Library of Being Book Club in Streatham on 9th July (depending on the heat). We are reading The Vegetarian. Reserve a space here.
I went to a Shakti Circle in Islington, ran by the School of Sensual Arts. An extremely healing space.
My friend Kat takes great photographs. Get in touch with her for projects & headshots.
New STAT Mag out soon. Don’t miss.